Play for Keeps
by oddsbobs
Summary: Lily Evans lived in a simple, logical world until a boy that she knew before only as ‘Potter’ showed her how complicated life could actually be. pre LEJP, centered on a SBRL SLASH relationship though they don't make an actual appearance


**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is property of JK Rowling. Therefore, his parents are also property of JK Rowling. I am the property of my own parents right now, and have nothing of value in my possession.  
**Pairing(s):** mentioned SB/RL, pre-JP/LE  
**Warning(s): **angst and slash, how I love thee so. Sirius and Remus don't make an appearance, but the plot is centered around them.

**Summary:** Lily Evans lived in a simple, logical world until a boy—almost man—that she knew before only as 'Potter' showed her how complicated life could actually be.

And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am  
-Goo Goo Dolls, _Iris_

Lily found him at the Quidditch pitch, of course, halfway up the Gryffindor bleachers. He was gazing intently at the place where the sky meets the tree line as if he could change the weather if he stared long enough. His mouth was set and his forehead creased in an expression far too ancient for an eternal boy like him. She sat down quietly next to him and watched the wind push around a small Drooble's wrapper somebody had neglected to dispose of properly.

"Come to take off points, Evans?" The bitterness in Potter's voice raked her ears and stopped whatever sarcastic comment she was going say in its tracks.

"Actually, no."

"I'm skipping class to leave the castle without permission. If you're not going to chastise me, then why're you here?" he asked in a slightly more gentle tone. He took a draw of the fag held casually in one hand, coughed slightly, then frowned. "Disgusting habit. Not worth it."

"Then why do you bother?"

Potter finally glanced at her. Under normal circumstances, Lily would have said he smirked. However, his eyes were still too disturbingly blank for such a thing. Without a comment, he snubbed out the fag and tossed it away.

She watched the stub as it bounced from support beam to support beam before finally landing on the packed dirt floor. "You shouldn't have littered like that."

He snorted and raised an eyebrow.

_Why **are** you here? _she contemplated. There was a reason somewhere in her jumbled mind. "I came because—because something's wrong. You bumped into me, picked up my books, apologized, and left without once mentioning the words 'Hogsmeade' or 'date'. I just—" Following him didn't seem to make sense anymore, not with the way he was hunched protectively around himself, and she felt herself blushing. "I don't like it when people are upset and—if you wanted to talk to someone, I'm not a bad listener."

Potter made no indication that he heard her. The wind picked up slightly, whipping her hair across her cheeks in stinging reprimand and ruffling Potter's mop further. _You silly girl, _she thought. _Of course he's not going to say what's wrong just because you asked. It was absolutely stupid of you to follow him. He doesn't want your help, and you're missing Defense—_

"I haven't the right." His glasses flashed briefly from the afternoon sun. She was sure she had misheard him.

"What?"

"I haven't the right. To ask you out, to chase you in front of the entire Hogwarts population."

"Finally getting it, eh, Potter?" The moment the words slipped out of her mouth, Lily knew they were the wrong ones. Potter tensed slightly and turned away. If she wasn't careful, she'd lose him. She added with a bit more sincerity, "What brought this on?"

Potter pursed his lips and took a deep breath. With a brief nod, he turned back to her. "Sirius and Remus."

"Is this about that row they got into a few weeks back? Didn't think it was that bad. And I didn't think you were involved…"

"It's—well, it's about that. But it's more than that." For the first time that afternoon, he looked directly into her eyes. "I can trust you, right, Evans? I mean, I've gotten to know you quite a bit these last years, and I can't see you betraying my trust. This is important—this is more important than OWLS or Quidditch or even the bloody Ministry. I say something, and it'll just stay between the two of us, right?"

The intensity in his eyes scared and thrilled her in equal parts. She put her heart into her next words. "I swear it."

"I knew you were good for it." He searched her face for something, though she couldn't tell what he was thinking. She instinctively knew that the secret he was about to tell her would be a burden she'd have to carry for the rest of her life, and one that he carried a thousand times over.

"Sirius and Remus—well, they're kinda—" He looked wildly around the stadium. "They're Sirius-and-Remus, if you know what I mean," he said in a rush. As soon as the words left his mouth, he smacked his forehead and swore. "And I shouldn't have told you that because telling secrets is what got us in this mess in the first place."

A thousand memories played across her mind's eye, of Sirius and Remus hanging out by the lake, Sirius going to visit Remus in the hospital wing, Remus stopping Sirius from doing or saying something stupid with just a touch on his shoulder. "They're… together." Her voice was quiet and she felt the blood drain from her face.

"I admit, I'm a bit uncomfortable about it, too. Makes me gag sometimes, thinking about it. Don't seem natural, 'cording to what we're all told. But they're my mates, you know? I saw how happy it made them. And if something makes them that happy—gives Sirius a bit of peace and Remus a bit of something to fight for—who am I to say it's wrong?"

Potter was looking right at her, challenging her to say something—anything—derogatory towards his best friends. Lily's heart was hammering in her chest and she was looking everywhere but at him. It wasn't so much the concept of…_homosexuality_… that bothered her. A tiny voice in the back of her head was listing all of the reasons why it was disgusting, but Lily Evans was nothing if not a reasonable, practical girl. She could not be bothered with an ingrained social prejudice, especially when dealing with people she knew. But the world as she knew it had just been tossed on its head. This was not what she was expecting to hear when she decided to follow Potter to the pitch.

And then she remembered the boys in question, the almost-men that were part of her life at Hogwarts whether she wanted it or not, Remus being the former and Sirius the latter. Suddenly, everything seemed so much more sharp and aching. _Poor Remus…_

Belatedly, Lily realized that she had been quiet for too long. Potter seemed to regret having said anything and was looking vaguely disappointed in her. Whatever she said next had to show her support as well as encourage him to open up more. The… relationship between Remus and Sirius was not quite what was bugging Potter, and she wanted to get to the bottom of things. "I promise I won't say anything. I _won't_ let them get hurt."

He sighed deeply. "Good, 'cause I didn't want to have to choose." _Them over you, always_ went left unsaid.

"If you're not bothered by it—at least, you don't want to ruin it—then why are you telling me this?"

"It's just, they gotta follow an entirely different set of rules." He glanced at her before resuming his battle with the weather. The sun gilding the top of the Forbidden Forest made him relax visibly, the lines between his brows smoothing out for the first time since Lily arrived. "I don't know how it is with Muggles, but in the wizarding world, it's not really that acceptable. It's especially hard at Hogwarts. They never know when they'll be caught, or what'll happen if the shite hits the fan. And they have to think, will it be worth the ridicule, the pain, the possible _imprisonment _to go for that guy? So they gotta know—right when they decide to take that first step—they gotta _know_ that he'll be the one, he'll be worth all that. You have to play for keeps, kinda."

His breathing became heavier and his eyes more intense as he spilled his thoughts to the wind. Lily collected each one, pressing the words into neat pages within her mind to examine later.

"There can't be any mistakes, 'cause it could mean spending the rest of your life alone. You can't just go out and find another person, even if he's just a second-rate substitute, 'cause if you happen to be outed to the public, it's too dangerous and uncertain to look for anyone else. You can't even approach the person you do want until you're certain he's interested as well. They were dancing around each other for years, you know. Constantly testing whether there was a chance—an extremely good chance—before even hinting to the other that they're interested. It took them almost two years just to _hold hands_, for Merlin's sake."

He ran his hand through his hair and smiled ironically. When he turned to her, his face was etched with a sad triumph, and she knew that this was what he was mulling over earlier—his thoughts finally working themselves out as he was speaking. "The rest of us just take all that for granted. We flirt and ask people out and hold hands and snog like there's no tomorrow, simply because we want to. But we don't realize that it's all a gift. To be able to do that—can you imagine, loving someone so much but being unable to show more than friendship in public? I couldn't—if you—" He blushed and turned away. "I haven't the right to show the world who I love. And they were content to live like that. For the _rest_ of their _lives_. But then—" Potter let out a burst of air that could have been a sob, could have been a sigh, but definitely broke Lily's heart to hear.

"James?" She gently laid a hand over his and squeezed slightly. It was time to hear what was wrong, what was at the root of his problems and the source of his sudden insight.

"Then Sirius did something completely idiotic, and he knows it, and they got ripped apart." He looked at her once more. His eyes pleaded with her to understand. "I watched them, Lily, right after it happened. They're devastated without each other. But of course, everybody thinks they got into a fight just like normal mates, you know? So they have to play the part." He snorted in disdain. "Have to act all friendly in public like they fixed their problems 'cause _mates_ _don't hurt that deep_, especially since no one can know how bad it was messed up. So on the outside, they're acting all fine, but I know on the inside it's still killing them. They've got to hug and wrestle and joke like everything in the world is fuckin' okay when really they just want to have some time alone or the chance to fight all the poison out.

"My best friends are hurting, Lily, and I can't help them. I can't—I can't make it better. I'd do anything—_anything_—for them, but I can't…" James's voice trailed off and he blinked rapidly, his last attempt to preserve whatever dignity he had left. Instead, he rested his forehead on his knees, his hands clenched into fists in front of his face, and began to breath slightly erratically.

Lily leaned against him and began to rub soothing circles on his back. As she waited for him to compose himself, she marveled at the situation. _Could it_ _be_, she thought, _that this is James Potter? The true James? _Lily knew that he cared deeply for his friends—she suspected that they were all closer than friends normally were. However, she realized that in all the years she had known him, she never truly knew James. He could analyze situations and tackle them with a mature perception, facing a harsh world with more burdens than Lily had ever understood. _And while you've been dismissing him, he's been getting to know you!_ Enough to be able to trust her with everything he had said…

James slowly relaxed under her touch. By the time he sheepishly raised his face to look at her, Lily had decided what to tell him. There wasn't much he could do, honestly—but there were things that he needed to hear from someone other than himself.

"You can't fix things for them, James," she said gently. "That's something they'll have to do themselves. But from what I know of Remus and Sirius, they will work it out eventually."

He grasped her hand like a lifeline. "You really think so?"

"I do." She pried at his fingers—not pulling away entirely, but loosening his grip. "The only thing you can do is be there for them. Make sure they have someone to talk to." _Just as you need someone to talk to as well. _"Continue being their friend. That's what they need right now."

It wasn't as hard as Lily thought it would be to sit holding hands with James Potter. They didn't speak for several minutes, simply allowing the afternoon sun to soak into their skins while watching the horizon. As much as she didn't want to move, Lily knew it was about time for her to go. It wouldn't be right for her to miss more than one class.

James didn't protest as she let go of his hand and stood. He was looking at her with such emotion that Lily had to remind herself to breath. If he was going to ask her out _again_, this would be the time for him to do it. But James's mouth had a determined set to it and he remained silent. Lily suddenly knew that he was still worshipping her in his crazy way as he had before, though this time silently. _I haven't the right to show the world who I love_, he had said. To take her for granted, she realized. It was the silence that made her decide.

"I have to get to class, James," she said softly. She walked a few steps away and spoke with her back to him. "If you happen to need to talk again—well, I'll just happen to be here Thursday after classes writing an essay."

James replied so quietly she almost didn't hear him. "Thank you. Lily."

It seemed to take ages for her to make her way down from the stands. She could feel a burning thrum through her entire body, and knew that he was watching her descent. Still, she did not look back. Only when she was nearly to the main doors of the castle did Lily dare turn around. From so far away, she could barely make out the outline of James sitting in the stands.


End file.
